Memorandums 元信者の手記


2007.12.4  to English

追加85 ● 手記  予言と側近の訳文

85 ●  The prophecies and  executives -  a former-Aum's monk, in his forties Some people ask me why  Asahara had done such cruel things, or  (did you really believe Asaharawas  the Messiah?)

Well, I should think that, guru Asahara had really believed the prophecies of  Nostradamus and I guess he  really thought himself  was the Messiah.

I have a clear and impressive memory of a certain monk who got enlightened by kundarini yoga  and guru.

I drove  guru's  car in turn , at that time an editor of ours always rode with us.

The person always had  a laptop computer with him and , in the computer  there  were data of decoded prophecies and he read it out for guru. Hearing those, Asahara said (Oh, great) or something.

In Aum, it was said  in prophecies of Nostradamus, there were descriptions of our guru as the Messiah.

It was said there were meaningful words "the letter of Matsu(a pine in Japanese, Asahara's real family name is Matsumoto)( one- eyed ) (brawny),, and we were explained all these words proved that our guru Asahara was the ture Messiah, so I thought so, too.

Five years had past since I became a monk then, I wanted to make sure what our activity would bring.

About poisoned gas attack, following had occurred.

This is about a person who is under sentence of death   now.

One morning, when guru Asahara got into a car, the man said to guru ( yellow powder are on the hood)(someone scattered poisoned powder).

I thought what he said was really odd,  because I thought it was merely  pollen.

At that time, most of us believed we were attacked from outside (Asahara told us that we were attacked by freemason or USA), on the one hand, some of the  executives  said things exaggeratedly to Asahara  , on the other hand, there were some who had doubts about it, I think.

What was the difference between them?

Followers who had doubts about the attacks from outside were not involved in severe crimes , or I guess few of them received  sentence of death or life sentence.

Guru did not order me to commit severe crimes such as murder, and  Mr.Kura or Rafula who escaped in 1994 , were not involved in severe crimes either, I guess these members,including me had boubts, so guru didn't want leave things to us.

And some tended to suspect that there were spies among us easily, or some said there were people  spraying poisoned gas among us inside,

I guess guru Asahara seemed to be more suspicious .

All things considered, not only guru Asahara, but also executives who deciphered the prophecy of Nostradams,wanting to flatter guru with compliments, were also responsible. 

Of course, I am responsible because I was a member, too.

Now sometimes I dream of monastery, which is poor  but devoted and true.

I wonder why we are not what we used to be , I am really sorry for the victims of Aum's attack, but

I look back on it with nostalgia.


追加36 ●「ブタの餌」−富士修行班にて(1990年)の訳文

36 ● (pig food) -  yoga group at Fuji center(1990)    July,8,2000  former-Aum's nun, female

It was after the election, long after changing my positions from a bento (box lunch) shop of AUM to housework department.

At that time, there was a man who was very proud in bento  shop , he was proud of his previous job, as a Japanese sushi cook.

For some reason, he was in Fuji center after being discharged from the bento shop.

He cooked something in the kitchen, he said that guru Asahara had ordered him to make new food for monks. Kitchen of Fuji center  was large,  and there were many gas ranges.

He was so proud of his special work   ordered by guru Asahara.

But he seemed to do it very secretly, he was doing it, far away from me, at inner part of the kitchen, where gas ranges were placed.

He seemed to make something like a ball. With great interest,I was curious to know, but when I was near him, he said to me,( I am doing special work guru ordered me. So go away!)

Anyway, in spite of noble work, he was doing it secretly.

One day, he stepped out for a while  , leaving the sack of  ingredients.    I screamed in spite of myself, when I saw that.

    (Oh my god. pig food??)

Yes, on the sack  the letters " pig food" were written. It was genuine, the big  sack was major animal feed maker's.

I thought then, that was "purification of  bad karma"  or he was teasing us, but now I guess  guru Asahara really meant it. (damn him!)

By the way, that project fell through before we knew it.

by Lako


2007.9.29  to English

”最初に発表した手記 ”の中の手記の一部 

●手記 (7年間出家していた元信者 20代男性)の対訳

A memorandum (an ex-follower in AUM, who was there as a monk for seven years, in his twenties) June 25th, 1997


I love the sea  since my childhood. In my elementary school days, for example,

I used to draw pictures of sea so often when I was alone.

As time goes by and I became a monk, somehow I lost interest in it.

(I had some chances to go to the sea even after I became a monk)


When it comes to Mahayana buddhism in Aum, I remember, pre-birth stories  of buddha Syakamuni were emphasized, such as giving his body for a hungry tiger,  or cutting her breast to give for hungry mother and a child when buddha was born as a woman. 


These stories strengthened my idea that extintion of my worldly self was important.

I felt sure these were the real boddhichitta or four-immesurable -mind.


I guess that people who still believe in Aum have a word "self sacrifice" in their mind.

(Our guru makes a lot of sacrifices to help others who have bad karma.)( So we have to make every effort to help guru.)

As a result, we played the role of sacrifice offered to guru,  not for the people.


I was impressed by the mystic side of Aum first.  I admired  their severe practices which were done in order to help others, while I was lying on a bed watching television.


I had been working for the branch office throughout my life there. I was in charge of accounting ,and chores.

I was often  scolded for making mistakes,  I was depressed.

While I was distressed by my incompetence, I chanted a mantra, I noticed that I should act for others, not for myself...Once I noticed this , I clung to this idea, because this  eased my mind .  


Gradually I spared much of my time to preach doctrine to the laity.  

My progress was slow, I was not promoted to the rank of"shi" .


I was at Aoyama office when the affairs, like throwing Molotov cocktail at Aoyama, sarin attack,stabbing Murai occured.

These things drove me mad, I felt as if my brain had floated in the air ,spinning.

But I believed Aum's innocence.  Gradually, followers and the executives whom I had trusted quitted organization.


I met a follower who had sheltered Tuyoshi Matumoto.

The follower told me that Tuyoshi Matumoto told him that he had had something to do with the criminal. Or while I watched the news on TV, my mind changed .


Still I forced myself to believe the doctrin of Aum was true, but I bigan to lose my balance of mind.

But I can say one thing, I could feel at ease there, I felt everyone treated each other kindly.


My parents did not get along with each other  since my childhood, I rarely saw them talking each other,they even did not have quarrels for many years.

I was in a nervous state before I became a monk.


Being in Aum healed my mind, looking back, maybe it wasn't a good thing. but it was something like a treatment for me.


When a person receives a great mental shock from outside on a period of growth and his mind becomes empty,in some cases, he tends to control other people, or shadow someone till the persons life  breaks.

I should think asahara was a person like that.

They say Japanese society is made up of people who have such a tendency.


Or if you order your wife to cook meals exactly three times everyday without fail, or you think ( my future husband should be a tall,kind and treat me as I wish..),some  severe psychologists insists that even these ideas force someone (including yourself) to be sacrificed for you,


I don't want to be  a sacrifice  or I don't want someone to be.

I think I, who was in Aum,  went to the guillotine or  burnt at the stake without doubt , if I were born in the old days.

I still am alive and write this note ( I almost write this in order to collect myself ).


I go to school now, the teachers were warned that there was an ex-Aum follower .

They  told police not to disturb me, as I was diligent. I noticed it much later


My new friends whom I confessed my past encouraged me, as they did not consider me a bad person,though I was in a bad religious group.

My parents worried about my future, they gave me  advice and financial support.


If the society were not kind and lenient toward us, I could not live like this now. I am really sorry for what we had done.


When the last time I saw the sea in my monastic life in Aum,  the scene was so attractive to me.

I don't know whether the beautiful scenery brought about a change to me, I quitted organization a few months later.


追加13 ● A K

1998年1月23日第32号より の対訳 

● A K

I was arrested for sarin attack, then questioned  by the police about several matters.

The investigator brought me "AK-64" during the investigation of production of submachine guns and let me hold it.

It was a real submachine gun, not a toy gun, heavily weighted .

According to the investigator,( Aum had made two submachine guns, this one actually works..and the other is not functioning properly)


To tell the truth, it was the first time for me to see a finished gun, I was impressed a little.

The members of public information and  engineering department  at that time were called up in Kanazawa , as Okamura company was going to go bankrupt,but the members were not told anything , as usual. Okamura company went bankrupt shortly.


 Murai told us there was a plan to make toy guns, and sell them as toys  here in Vajira Anuttara Hita Abibuddhi, ( the new company whose president was Asahara ) so I thought the items which we were making were just toy guns.

But we come to know those were real guns , not toys in June 1994.

Because the four members Tooru Toyota, Satosi Matushita ,including me of the Science  Agency were summoned to Asahara's room in sixth satian , and Asahara ordered us to make submachine guns.


I felt my heart beating fast , knowing that we had made real guns.

At the same time, I felt honored to be appointed such an important position, I felt I had to work hard in anyway.

And I thought I ought to receive a severe punishment for this crime,in the future.


I made up my mind to sacrifice myself for Asahara, thinking if I would be arrested, that was the practice I had to do.

Before this meeting, when  the affair of spraying botulinus at  Kameido branch office occured in 1993, Asahara called  me and Mr.Toyota and said ( you will be the lambs as  sacrifice, I want you to make every effort for salvation, at the risk of your life)..


For the first time, I faced the realities, death of myself, or perhaps indiscriminate murder, and the punishment.

 I determined I would give everything of me in this nervous state of mind


This time, I recalled the determination of that meeting.

About the details of Kameido, in spite of my determination, my body was shaking with terror , I had gooseflesh and a hard time to settle it.


Spraying botulinus from  Kameido branch was a failure  after all,  an evaluation meeting was held among  members, we gave opinions in turn .

As the pressure was off, Mr.Mituka and Toyota were talking each other in a quivering voice, crying.


I felt I knew how they felt, but I didn't cry.

Maybe because I had already determined to  offer all my joys and sorrows to guru.

I thought, from now on, I would continue to devote myself, and this would bring me enlightenment.


Looking back, perhaps I didn't grasp the situation well. Perhaps I saw things without reality , as if I had watched movie.

After that, July 1994 ,at the meeting about sarin plant which I had to attend, we were told

( this work is so dangerous that it ruins whole Mt.Fuji if you make a small mistake.)

(So don't hesitate to say you don't want to join ) but no one refused ,

( It's very important to work thinking how we should die..  to complete mahamudra practice.) 


And then, I was exclusively incharged of so called vajira work. as a result I was arrested  May 16, 1995.

It seems people are talking about members who had related to sarin attack or Killing Mr.Sakamoto's family affair and they often conclude as following ;

 ・the members had  a power struggle among them

 ・they acted as they pleased

 ・they had  fooled even the laity and monks

 ・they might have had problems when thier childhood.

 ・it is natural for them to be  sentenced to life imprisonment or    death  , as they committed such crimes


Judging from outside, parhaps these comments are valid.

What I think about the members is , as I know them personally, they used breaking  commandments as outlet for their frastration. Because they did cruel things as if they had had the right to handle people's lives and they couldn't foresee that they must be like this...Perhaps they were tormented by a guilty conscience, also I felt  spiritless attitude in the word they utterd or in their behavior.


At seventh satian, I saw Satoru Hashimoto talking , in a tired attitude.( I am having an affair  with Sela (a nun) or I sometimes eat out now, but I was serious before..When I was a sales stuff here,  some people often ate out but I never did it.)


(You can't believe it maybe, but the vajirayana practice is so severe, just like seventh satian's work.

Woman can be an outlet then, really, even though we know we should rush into salvation.

So I warn you, watch your step)


I accepted his words  without thinking, I just thought he wanted to teach me that sexual desire or affection could ruin our practice.But when I realized  the words he uttered ( vajirayana practice is severe) included the fact that he actually had killed  Mr.Sakamoto's family , the word "outlet" weighed heavily on me.

Now I think I can understand the reason their attitude were quite unbecoming to monks, that was because their big  anguish.

 We ex-followers should not leave Aum, saying this was ridiculous.

We should have more consideration for  their pain, and  when we try to settle this matter with a full understanding of it,we can understand the essentials of vajirayana practice Aum had done.

And it  helps us to be independent of Aum. and I beleive this can show my sincerity for the people I practiced with.


While I got an advice from  a monk, looking back on things in Aum,I experienced  dramatic meditation,  that made me leave Aum.

I felt I could get enlightened in this ordinary  life , I realized I did not need special religious set.


Without that experience, I am not sure I could weather that hardship in prison. Now I am living a refreshing life.

But I still cannot figure out how I evaluate Asahara or Aum itself.

I am thinking about it still now and I'll keep on thinking .That is all I can do ,I think.


I'd like to tell my old fellows , who have  doubts and worries in Aum, that being follower there gives you the pressure which  criminals had experienced. You need to be prepared for that.


The practice to justify any dirty means in order to get what we want.

As long as Aum continues to practice vajirayana (in Aum ,vajirayana means a way of salvation which guru torments diciples or other people to purify bad karma) , you cannot avoid  pressures of this kind, more or less.


If you are fully aware of it ,and still you choose Aum, my advice will be wasted.

 (I think your practice will improve faster in jail, than in Aum..)

There are so many ways of practice, you can choose one that suits you.


After I left Aum, I got to know people who work for others  with high caliber and sincerity.

The frog in the well does not know the ocean. I thought then.

You can choose " better "way of practice which suits you, you don't have to choose "the very best " way, though we regarded Aum's practice was the best.


Now I feel I can see the ray of nirvana in daily life, like greeting each other.

Lastly, I really must apologize. Please accept my apology for what we have done. 

I learned things through the mistakes Aum had made.

I know the sin is too big to atone, but I would like to decide what I should do from now, thinking how I atone even a little.

a male, ex-monk in Aum