Memorandums 元信者の手記
２００７．１２．４ ｔｏ Ｅｎｇｌｉｓｈ
追加８５ ● 手記 予言と側近の訳文
８５ ● The prophecies and executives - a former-Aum's monk, in his forties Some
people ask me why Asahara had done
such cruel things, or (did you
really believe Asaharawas the
Messiah?)
Well, I should think that,
guru Asahara had really believed the prophecies of Nostradamus and I guess he really thought himself was the Messiah.
I have a clear and impressive
memory of a certain monk who got enlightened by kundarini yoga and guru.
I drove guru's car in turn , at that time an editor of
ours always rode with us.
The person always had a laptop computer with him and , in the
computer there were data of decoded prophecies and he
read it out for guru. Hearing those, Asahara said (Oh, great) or something.
In Aum, it was said in prophecies of Nostradamus, there were
descriptions of our guru as the Messiah.
It was said there were
meaningful words "the letter of Matsu(a pine in Japanese, Asahara's real
family name is Matsumoto)( one- eyed ) (brawny),, and we were explained all
these words proved that our guru Asahara was the ture Messiah, so I thought so,
too.
Five years had past since I
became a monk then, I wanted to make sure what our activity would bring.
About poisoned gas attack,
following had occurred.
This is about a person who is
under sentence of death now.
One morning, when guru
Asahara got into a car, the man said to guru ( yellow powder are on the
hood)(someone scattered poisoned powder).
I thought what he said was
really odd, because I thought it
was merely pollen.
At that time, most of us
believed we were attacked from outside (Asahara told us that we were attacked
by freemason or USA), on the one hand, some of the executives said things exaggeratedly to
Asahara , on the other hand, there
were some who had doubts about it, I think.
What was the difference
between them?
Followers who had doubts
about the attacks from outside were not involved in severe crimes , or I guess few
of them received sentence of death
or life sentence.
Guru did not order me to
commit severe crimes such as murder, and
Mr.Kura or Rafula who escaped in 1994 , were not involved in severe
crimes either, I guess these members,including me had boubts, so guru didn't
want leave things to us.
And some tended to suspect
that there were spies among us easily, or some said there were people spraying poisoned gas among us inside,
I guess guru Asahara seemed
to be more suspicious .
All things considered, not
only guru Asahara, but also executives who deciphered the prophecy of
Nostradams,wanting to flatter guru with compliments, were also
responsible.
Of course, I am responsible
because I was a member, too.
Now sometimes I dream of
monastery, which is poor but
devoted and true.
I wonder why we are not what
we used to be , I am really sorry for the victims of Aum's attack, but
I look back on it with
nostalgia.
追加３６ ●「ブタの餌」−富士修行班にて（１９９０年）の訳文
３６ ● (pig food) - yoga group at Fuji center(1990) July,8,2000 former-Aum's nun, female
It was after the election,
long after changing my positions from a bento (box lunch) shop of AUM to
housework department.
At that time, there was a man
who was very proud in bento shop ,
he was proud of his previous job, as a Japanese sushi cook.
For some reason, he was in
He cooked something in the
kitchen, he said that guru Asahara had ordered him to make new food for monks.
Kitchen of
He was so proud of his
special work ordered by guru
Asahara.
But he seemed to do it very
secretly, he was doing it, far away from me, at inner part of the kitchen,
where gas ranges were placed.
He seemed to make something
like a ball. With great interest,I was curious to know, but when I was near
him, he said to me,( I am doing special work guru ordered me. So go away!)
Anyway, in spite of noble
work, he was doing it secretly.
One day, he stepped out for a
while , leaving the sack of ingredients. I screamed in spite of
myself, when I saw that.
(Oh my god. pig food??)
Yes, on the sack the letters " pig food" were
written. It was genuine, the big
sack was major animal feed maker's.
I thought then, that was
"purification of bad
karma" or he was teasing us,
but now I guess guru Asahara really
meant it. (damn him!)
By the way, that project fell
through before we knew it.
by Lako
２００７．９．２９ ｔｏ Ｅｎｇｌｉｓｈ
”最初に発表した手記 ”の中の手記の一部
●手記 （７年間出家していた元信者 20代男性）の対訳
●A memorandum (an
ex-follower in AUM, who was there as a monk for seven years, in his twenties)
June 25th, 1997
I love the sea since my childhood. In my elementary
school days, for example,
I used to draw pictures of
sea so often when I was alone.
As time goes by and I became a
monk, somehow I lost interest in it.
(I had some chances to go to
the sea even after I became a monk)
When it comes to Mahayana
buddhism in Aum, I remember, pre-birth stories of buddha Syakamuni were emphasized, such
as giving his body for a hungry tiger,
or cutting her breast to give for hungry mother and a child when buddha
was born as a woman.
These stories strengthened my
idea that extintion of my worldly self was important.
I felt sure these were the
real boddhichitta or four-immesurable -mind.
I guess that people who still
believe in Aum have a word "self sacrifice" in their mind.
(Our guru makes a lot of
sacrifices to help others who have bad karma.)( So we have to make every effort
to help guru.)
As a result, we played the
role of sacrifice offered to guru,
not for the people.
I was impressed by the mystic
side of Aum first. I admired their severe practices which were done
in order to help others, while I was lying on a bed watching television.
I had been working for the
branch office throughout my life there. I was in charge of accounting ,and
chores.
I was often scolded for making mistakes, I was depressed.
While I was distressed by my
incompetence, I chanted a mantra, I noticed that I should act for others, not
for myself...Once I noticed this , I clung to this idea, because this eased my mind .
Gradually I spared much of my
time to preach doctrine to the laity.
My progress was slow, I was
not promoted to the rank of"shi" .
I was at Aoyama office when
the affairs, like throwing Molotov cocktail at Aoyama, sarin attack,stabbing
Murai occured.
These things drove me mad, I
felt as if my brain had floated in the air ,spinning.
But I believed Aum's
innocence. Gradually, followers and
the executives whom I had trusted quitted organization.
I met a follower who had
sheltered Tuyoshi Matumoto.
The follower told me that
Tuyoshi Matumoto told him that he had had something to do with the criminal. Or
while I watched the news on TV, my mind changed .
Still I forced myself to believe
the doctrin of Aum was true, but I bigan to lose my balance of mind.
But I can say one thing, I
could feel at ease there, I felt everyone treated each other kindly.
My parents did not get along
with each other since my childhood,
I rarely saw them talking each other,they even did not have quarrels for many
years.
I was in a nervous state
before I became a monk.
Being in Aum healed my mind,
looking back, maybe it wasn't a good thing. but it was something like a
treatment for me.
When a person receives a
great mental shock from outside on a period of growth and his mind becomes
empty,in some cases, he tends to control other people, or shadow someone till
the persons life breaks.
I should think asahara was a
person like that.
They say Japanese society is
made up of people who have such a tendency.
Or if you order your wife to
cook meals exactly three times everyday without fail, or you think ( my future
husband should be a tall,kind and treat me as I wish..),some severe psychologists insists that even
these ideas force someone (including yourself) to be sacrificed for you,
I don't want to be a sacrifice or I don't want someone to be.
I think I, who was in
Aum, went to the guillotine or burnt at the stake without doubt , if I
were born in the old days.
I still am alive and write
this note ( I almost write this in order to collect myself ).
I go to school now, the
teachers were warned that there was an ex-Aum follower .
They told police not to disturb me, as I was
diligent. I noticed it much later
My new friends whom I
confessed my past encouraged me, as they did not consider me a bad
person,though I was in a bad religious group.
My parents worried about my
future, they gave me advice and
financial support.
If the society were not kind
and lenient toward us, I could not live like this now. I am really sorry for
what we had done.
When the last time I saw the
sea in my monastic life in Aum, the
scene was so attractive to me.
I don't know whether the beautiful
scenery brought about a change to me, I quitted organization a few months
later.
追加１３ ● Ａ Ｋ
１９９８年１月２３日第３２号より の対訳
● Ａ Ｋ
I was arrested for sarin
attack, then questioned by the
police about several matters.
The investigator brought me
"AK-64" during the investigation of production of submachine guns and
let me hold it.
It was a real submachine gun,
not a toy gun, heavily weighted .
According to the
investigator,( Aum had made two submachine guns, this one actually works..and
the other is not functioning properly)
To tell the truth, it was the
first time for me to see a finished gun, I was impressed a little.
The members of public
information and engineering
department at that time were called
up in Kanazawa , as Okamura company was going to go bankrupt,but the members
were not told anything , as usual. Okamura company went bankrupt shortly.
Murai told us there was a plan to make
toy guns, and sell them as toys
here in Vajira Anuttara Hita Abibuddhi, ( the new company whose
president was Asahara ) so I thought the items which we were making were just
toy guns.
But we come to know those
were real guns , not toys in June 1994.
Because the four members
Tooru Toyota, Satosi Matushita ,including me of the Science Agency were summoned to Asahara's room
in sixth satian , and Asahara ordered us to make submachine guns.
I felt my heart beating fast
, knowing that we had made real guns.
At the same time, I felt
honored to be appointed such an important position, I felt I had to work hard
in anyway.
And I thought I ought to
receive a severe punishment for this crime,in the future.
I made up my mind to
sacrifice myself for Asahara, thinking if I would be arrested, that was the
practice I had to do.
Before this meeting,
when the affair of spraying botulinus
at Kameido branch office occured in
1993, Asahara called me and
Mr.Toyota and said ( you will be the lambs as sacrifice, I want you to make every
effort for salvation, at the risk of your life)..
For the first time, I faced
the realities, death of myself, or perhaps indiscriminate murder, and the
punishment.
I determined I would give everything of
me in this nervous state of mind
This time, I recalled the
determination of that meeting.
About the details of Kameido,
in spite of my determination, my body was shaking with terror , I had
gooseflesh and a hard time to settle it.
Spraying botulinus from Kameido branch was a failure after all, an evaluation meeting was held among members, we gave opinions in turn .
As the pressure was off,
Mr.Mituka and Toyota were talking each other in a quivering voice, crying.
I felt I knew how they felt,
but I didn't cry.
Maybe because I had already
determined to offer all my joys and
sorrows to guru.
I thought, from now on, I
would continue to devote myself, and this would bring me enlightenment.
Looking back, perhaps I
didn't grasp the situation well. Perhaps I saw things without reality , as if I
had watched movie.
After that, July 1994 ,at the
meeting about sarin plant which I had to attend, we were told
( this work is so dangerous
that it ruins whole Mt.Fuji if you make a small mistake.)
(So don't hesitate to say you
don't want to join ) but no one refused ,
( It's very important to work
thinking how we should die.. to complete
mahamudra practice.)
And then, I was exclusively
incharged of so called vajira work. as a result I was arrested May 16, 1995.
It seems people are talking
about members who had related to sarin attack or Killing Mr.Sakamoto's family
affair and they often conclude as following ;
・the members had a power struggle among them
・they acted as they
pleased
・they had fooled even the laity and monks
・they might have had
problems when thier childhood.
・it is natural for
them to be sentenced to life
imprisonment or death , as they
committed such crimes
Judging from outside, parhaps
these comments are valid.
What I think about the
members is , as I know them personally, they used breaking commandments as outlet for their
frastration. Because they did cruel things as if they had had the right to
handle people's lives and they couldn't foresee that they must be like
this...Perhaps they were tormented by a guilty conscience, also I felt spiritless attitude in the word they
utterd or in their behavior.
At seventh satian, I saw
Satoru Hashimoto talking , in a tired attitude.( I am having an affair with Sela (a nun) or I sometimes eat out
now, but I was serious before..When I was a sales stuff here, some people often ate out but I never
did it.)
(You can't believe it maybe,
but the vajirayana practice is so severe, just like seventh satian's work.
Woman can be an outlet then,
really, even though we know we should rush into salvation.
So I warn you, watch your
step)
I accepted his words without thinking, I just thought he
wanted to teach me that sexual desire or affection could ruin our practice.But
when I realized the words he
uttered ( vajirayana practice is severe) included the fact that he actually had
killed Mr.Sakamoto's family , the
word "outlet" weighed heavily on me.
Now I think I can understand
the reason their attitude were quite unbecoming to monks, that was because their
big anguish.
We ex-followers should not leave Aum,
saying this was ridiculous.
We should have more consideration
for their pain, and when we try to settle this matter with a
full understanding of it,we can understand the essentials of vajirayana
practice Aum had done.
And it helps us to be independent of Aum. and I
beleive this can show my sincerity for the people I practiced with.
While I got an advice
from a monk, looking back on things
in Aum,I experienced dramatic
meditation, that made me leave Aum.
I felt I could get
enlightened in this ordinary life ,
I realized I did not need special religious set.
Without that experience, I am
not sure I could weather that hardship in prison. Now I am living a refreshing life.
But I still cannot figure out
how I evaluate Asahara or Aum itself.
I am thinking about it still
now and I'll keep on thinking .That is all I can do ,I think.
I'd like to tell my old
fellows , who have doubts and
worries in Aum, that being follower there gives you the pressure which criminals had experienced. You need to
be prepared for that.
The practice to justify any
dirty means in order to get what we want.
As long as Aum continues to
practice vajirayana (in Aum ,vajirayana means a way of salvation which guru
torments diciples or other people to purify bad karma) , you cannot avoid pressures of this kind, more or less.
If you are fully aware of it
,and still you choose Aum, my advice will be wasted.
(I think your practice will improve
faster in jail, than in Aum..)
There are so many ways of
practice, you can choose one that suits you.
After I left Aum, I got to
know people who work for others
with high caliber and sincerity.
The frog in the well does not
know the ocean. I thought then.
You can choose " better
"way of practice which suits you, you don't have to choose "the very
best " way, though we regarded Aum's practice was the best.
Now I feel I can see the ray
of nirvana in daily life, like greeting each other.
Lastly, I really must
apologize. Please accept my apology for what we have done.
I learned things through the
mistakes Aum had made.
I know the sin is too big to
atone, but I would like to decide what I should do from now, thinking how I
atone even a little.
a male, ex-monk in Aum
−−翻訳は元信徒−ペンネーム「カトリーヌ」
―――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――
